christina_ta

So... I hate how everyday I work with him I feel like I'm going on an emotional roller coaster. And it only goes/ turns out two different ways.

1). The overall night sucks but at the end of the night he says or does something that makes me feel a lot better or...
2). The overall night is great, but at the end of the night something happens that makes me feel like shit...

So overall, tonight was great... really good... I don't think it's ever been so good... until 8 o'clock. Yeah, it was around that time that everything turned kind of shitty. Not that it didn't turn out better at the end, but whatever.

So first of all, my question is... what is everybody thinking? Do they know I like him? Do they not? I don't get it. I treat him just like everybody else. I don't think they know that i like him, but I think they know that I like somebody, even if it's not him. Cause, these Bulgarians, I love them to death, but everything I've talked about in the last two nights go back to love. The word is seriously starting to give me the creeps when they use it. It makes my hair stand on its ends. I love them to death, but I hate it when they use the word love. Cuz it's not a casual love they're using. They mean the real thing. And I am NOT in love with anyone.

Like last night. Zoran. Come on! I offered him a strawberry. Which I also offered Brittany, and half a million other people. And somehow the topic gets back to love. And my age. I'm too young. For what? To date? Him? Obviously, he's thirty something. But he wasn't talking about that. He was talking about. Too young to love. And I was like. What the hell are you talking about? We were just eating strawberries. What does love have to do anything with strawberries and you working at the hotstacks close to Dixie Stampede? I'm so confused! Especially the word love comes out of their mouth for no freaking reason! I love Zoran though. He's my buddy. But seriously? Where does love come in the conversation.

And today. Sysco. My other Bulgarian 32 year old buddy buddy. I'm talking about Thai food. Where the hell does love come in? This is where I begin to suspect that they're all suspecting something about me. And I don't get it. Okay, so I was like, "I was eating Thai food today. And I got really angry, because I couldn't remember which one of you guys were the one who said you liked Thai food. It was either you or Zach, and I can't remember." And he's like... "Well, I like Thai food. But I know what it's like when you love someone." And I'm like what the hell? I was laughing, really hard, not because it was funny, but because I was seriously confused, and was like, I must have heard wrong. Did I hear them use the word love. Seriously. To have a serious conversation with me again? After yesterday? I MUST have heard wrong. But nooooo, right after my what, was the, "You know what I mean. You're too young too..." and I though he was trying to say, "to forget things? To have Alzheimer?" thinking that that would complete his thought process. But no, he nodded, but it wasn't what he trying to say, instead it was, "When you love someone you think about them all the time. You forget stuff, and..." And that's when I lost him, and was like, "You know, I can't remember everything everybody tells me, I really don't have THAT bad of a memory problem" which had NOTHING to do with what he was saying, but at that moment, I couldn't comprehend him. Until he kept going on his tangent, and two minutes into his tangent I finally got what he WAS trying to say. "You know when you're in love with someone, you think about them all the time, and it makes you forget things, because you're daydreaming so much..." blah blah blah blah... there was more and it was all along the same lines, but I don't remember what else was said anymore. All I remember was when the light bulb finally clicked, and I finally comprehended all that he was saying, that he was talking about love LOVE, my eyes widened, I gripped his hand, and laughed again. Cause seriously, these Bulgarian guys could not be serious. Yes, I am attracted to Zach. Yes, I like him. But they don't know that. And I do NOT love him. And Bulgarians do not use the word love like we use them. It was weird. I repeated myself and was like, "I didn't remember because I can't remember everything everybody tells me" (Not like we DIDN'T have like a million people on staff at Captain George's) and to press my point, I said, "Sysco. I'm so confused. I have no clue what you're saying. But I'm not IN LOVE with ANYone." And then he shrugged his shoulders, kind of like "OK, OK." Like he was like, OK, you don't like anyone? But at the same time, kind of doubtful of what I was saying was the truth. I just kept laughing really hard, because the whole conversation just went over my head. I just gripped his hand, and laughed, because he's like my Uncle Cau Quy, and I was like, "We'll talk this again so that you and I can get what you're trying to say." Which I really do want to know what the heck he was trying to say, but at the same time... I'm just not going to broach that subject with anymore Bulgarians. Not like I ever broach the subject with any Bulgarians in the first place. I suppose love comes up wherever strawberries and Thai food pop up. The way he was saying and implying stuff, makes me wonder whether or not he thinks I was in love with him or Zach? Who knows? If they think everybody I initiate conversations with, I like? Then I must be in LOVE with three-quarters of the restaurant. And since I was in pain when James got fired, I must have been in LOVE LOVE LOVE with the thirty year old guy who has an alcoholic girlfriend and infant boy at home. What the heck are they thinking? They can't know that I like Zach? But they all at LEAST think I like someone. Or not they would stop giving me these love, and you're too young for love speeches. Why don't they give any to anybody else? Like Jennifer, Paige, or Lesley who are all younger than me, and who almost all have boyfriends? Why am I the only person in the whole restaurant getting love speeches? It's weird. I love Sysco and Zoran though. They my homeboys. Those conversations were just WEIRD!

And then after that whole shpeal, I guess I just started being sensitive afterwards. I took two little boys with their parents to Port Down, and when I brought a high chair out for the little kid he started crying, kicking, and screaming because he didn't want to sit in the high chair. Actually, he was wailing. And it seriously hurt to see/hear him wail. Not my ears either. I had a pain in my chest. And it wouldn't go away for like fifteen minutes. It almost made me cry, like his crying made ME want to cry. Which made no freaking sense! I have no clue what's going on with me/my body/ my head sometimes. Maybe my estrogen levels are just too high. Ha. I wish. Maybe my boobs will finally get bigger.

And Zach stopped looking so happy that night too. He started looking upset. (Probably because he found out that he had to close). And I was hoping that I would be able to eat with him tonight, but regardless of how things worked out, I wouldn't have been able to. First off, he ditched before he got cut and ate. Second off, I had to stay on shift till 10:30, to close, so there was no way in hell I would have been able to eat with him. 3rd off, even if he had waited, till we closed, he probably wouldn't have been able to eat till 11:30 anyways. And for the first time in my life, my dad called me at 10:30 and was like I'm outside, waiting for you to come out. And I'm like. What the hell is going on? Did Hell freeze over? I don't know.

That's what I mean by things got bad. And when he came over to ask something, while Jackie was still there, and I snapped at him a little bit, wasn't so great either. I said, "OK," but in the not so nice way. It pissed me off that I said it like that, because I tried so hard to make it not come out like that.

But at the end of the night, We, and fifty million other servers at the cash stand, finally had a good conversation again, about Japanese and Thai food. And him and his crazy taste buds for food so spicy he can't feel his tongue. Yeah... yeah... I can take spicyness to an extent. Then stupid Jim. Yeah... Stupid Jim. (I love Jim). Him and his comments drove me out of the cash stand to the buffet table for dinner, where I sat talking to Kyle for the rest of the night, and ended my night seeing Zach frown again as he rolled past us with his cup holders to Star Down. I hate it when he frowns. It's just not as pretty and bright as when he smiles.

So today was good because... yesterday, I was always the person who had to take the initiative to talk to him, today he took the initiative to talk to me like three times. (even then that might be exaggerating) Yeah... I know... I'm a loser... Let me just list them, so that it can jog my memory in the future. Hopefully.
1). me walking really fast
2). lol. me taking a table to star down and the guests being like. oh no. We sat here before and we had a really slow guy server, and I was like, well, we have different servers in the same section on different nights. And Zach walks up, (smiling), and I'm like, Well, Zach's your server, and he'll definitely be better, we hope. And he's like Thanks and something else. Let me tell you, if I'm lucky, cause I'm always running around, I'll thirty second interval conversations with the guy maybe six time throughout the night. And not just him. Any server.
3). Me telling him I had a question which I couldn't remember. (Which ended up being the Thai ordeal. I'm not sure if it was Sysco or Zach. But from the way they answered and what Jackie said, I think it's Zach).
4). Charlotte/Vegetables incident
5). Host stand incident.
6). Cash stand incident.
7). Dinner incident.
I know he doesn't like me. I'm another server to him (I'm not a server but I talk to all of them) but I still like talking to him, so whatever.

Pretty much my whole story of work tonight. I melted (make-up/facewise) tonight. I was really looking forward to maybe eating with him tonight, but that didn't happen, so whatever. Life sucks (jk it's actually really great). No matter how hard I try to wait for him for dinner, it just never happens, time/schedules just don't go the way I want/plan them to go. So whatever. Better luck Sunday. psh... yeah... that's not going to happen. It's like Jesus blessing me with a miracle if we eat together anytime this working week.

On the bright side I get to go to beach tomorrow!!! Gonna have a BLAST!!!

So Zach and I didn't talk at ALL today!!! Well, except when we said Hi and waved to each other. But no!!! This is bad!!! It's NEVER been like this before! And he looked upset all night!!! But so did some of the other servers because it was so busy I guess. And when we ate, he HAD to have sat first (I got cut later), so his table was FILLED!!! And later all the servers came to my four top table!!! We had eight people at the table. And I don't see him till Thursday!!! Ahh!!! FML!!! (My table was awesome though. I must admit!) And I'm finding a new lanyard! I don't want to wear my Palmetto Boys State one anymore, cause Norick laughed at it. (He was kidding though). Plus it just looks weird when I wear it. AHH!!! I tried to come over and say bye before I left, but his (our) coworker from Star Down just had to come over and talk to me instead!!! Why?!! FML!!! I'm so glad nobody gets Livejournal anymore or they'd just think I was crazy.

Georgio and Sysco are awesome though! I love them! They made me laugh a lot and feel better.
Homeboys!!! (Thirty year old homeboys but nonetheless).

A part of me is struggling so hard to keep breathing right now, because the anger within me continues to boil; it is bubbling within, fighting to burst open from the pocket of my chest, where my heart lies. I would not be surprised if a part of my heart has frozen, for I am so stricken with anger and grief, that my inner mind has called upon the power of all gods to cease the waking volcano that resides within me. God of night, and Buddha of my world, I pray to thee on this New Years Day, to calm my mind, and lead me down the right path to nirvana. Guide me to my inner peace. Nam mo a di da phat.

*I'm just really fucking angry right now, but I'm going to try to calm down. God, Buddha, any Creator prepares all sort of obstacles that man must face throughout his life. I will calmly face the blockade on my road and walk around it, even if no man walks with me. I shall follow the strings of my heart even if you should hurl rocks at me; for what does not kill me makes me stronger. Even if I should lose this battle, I will wake up to find a better self.

You who have the fortune of parents should thank the Lords, for I, void of guidance and aid, will walk aimless in the darkness until light or fire meets my path.

In thee I now place my trust.

Am I the only person who over thinks things and over analyzes them and realizes that what I've analyzed and dissected was all wrong? And you either got really happy, or really upset/angry for no reason? Then it makes you feel so stupid after wards, and then you're like, OK, I'm not going to over analyze anything anymore. Everything's normal. Nothing means nothing. When all of a sudden it does. And you wished you did over analyze that then? urgh! idk.

I'm sleepy and I don't know what I'm talking about.

I hope Jack Merridew knows how to use his litter box tomorrow. Smart kitty sleeping on the chair.

Christina listens, watches, and waits, and finally realizes that none of it's a show. She's flesh, she's blood, she exists. Not fiction but reality. Was happy but awoken.

I know what I'm talking about.

I wonder why I always have to talk about it. Why can't I just leave myself in this neutral sense of happiness and move on, why do I insist on plunging myself into a state of depression afterwards?

She's not a skeleton in my imagination anymore. She's beginning to flesh out. The organs are forming and the muscles are strapping onto her bones, the thin layers of fat on top of it. All that's missing is the big, goofy smile I kind of hope I'll never have to see. If there's an unfinished painting, then I hope this it. The end. Nothing else will ever be drawn.

Now I know why... they're unresponded.
Now I know why... they're so static.
Now I see why... the dream has ended.

I hope this is over for me. That this is the end. Because it's the closest thing I'll get to rejection, but the farthest thing from reality.

My uncle's in ICU. I went with my cousin today, because she didn't want to go alone. His chest hurt yesterday. He was home alone. He fell, and slowly, his body stopped functioning. His leg stopped moving, his fingers stopped twiggling, his speech stopped coming. Slowly, yet quickly all at the same time. Too slow for a heart attack. Too fast for a stroke. But just right for the aneurysm, the blood vessel that had popped in his brain. I'm glad my aunt doesn't understand English too well, and I'm glad my cousin hadn't taken psychology, because if they actually understood everything the doctor was telling them, they would have gotten really upset, more upset than the upset state they were already in.

Usually, when a blood vessel breaks, they'll remove a vein from your foot, and replace it with the defected one. Well hold up your index finger. Put it on the back of your neck, and move up until you're in the middle of the back of your head. You know where that is? Right above your spinal cord, and right beside your cerebellum. Your cerebral cortex, or the gray matter is what makes you you, the thing that helps you think and become unique. You're cerebellum is what makes you live, helps you function. Without it you're dead. And with a ruptured blood vessel there it's impossible to operate. Now when you have the aneurysm you're brain starts swelling, all the liquid is there, just making your brain bigger and bigger. And there's no where to go. And as it gets bigger, the doctor says, it will shove your cerebellum down, until it meets your spinal cord, and then the story is over. It's Romeo & Juliet, Hamlet, or Othello all over again. But then not. It's a tragedy. But it won't be remembered as one. They're going to try to drill a hole in head, like they did in the stone age, so that the pressure on the brain, and the water there can be alleviated, it can find a place to escape too. But they've already basically told us that he will die. There's basically no hope. Even if he did wake, which would be a miracle. He would die within six months. They have no health insurance. They have no money. He built their house. Literally, with his own two hands. Here's a poem for you, Cau Binh Luu Dang, who has always been there since birth. Somebody you feared when you were young, somebody you hated when you got older, somebody you understood, when you finally grew some more, and somebody... you're almost apathetic to now.

"BOMB"Bay Binh
Binh was your name
Binh was for peace
but Dang was your last name
but people only called you Luu Dang

a loose grenade
that's what you were.


an explosion
an array of colors
of red, orange, gold,
of gray,
the burst of smoke
the rise of fire

wild
and untamed

You beat your wife
you bought your wife
you struck once
you struck twice

cords in one hand
beer in the other,
you're so old-fashioned,
so in 1760
as you slip the cord around her neck
and pull
as your children watch
per you command

you're so funny
so comical
so tyrannical
so doting.

The worst doting father
I have ever known.
So attentive.

So brutal
but so gentle
all the same.

With one hand you strike her
with the other you hold her

You're death
will be her freedom
but the tears roll anyways.

Binh Lu Dang
Binh
Peace
Lu Dang
the loose grenade

You were born
an explosion
and when you leave
the explosion still exists...

The poem was bad, but it came from the top of my head.
Years from now, when I look back, and remember how I feared you, hated you, finally understood you, never understood... then I'll fix it.

I guess I just kind of wanted to reflect on my life these past few months, since I've started school. So let me think--- backtrack and jump around---

---I really hated marching band when I first started it this year. I really didn't want to do it, but I did it anyways, because I loved playing the piccolo and I really wanted to be with my friends. And then I ended up loving it again, love being at practice. But that wasn't until after the first competition at Myrtle Beach,when everybody got serious again. I loved Marching Band a lot this year, and I'm so sad it's over now, because that was my last time with the seniors, and I just wished that I had been able to make more memories with them.

--- I really suck at piccolo. Like I always have. And I remembered being threatened by Ms. Polenick countless times that she would pull me off piccolo if I couldn't learn how to play in tune. And I finally did. I'm not always in tune, but I've learned how to make myself at least semi in tune now.

--- My favorite song is the second song, because I play the most in it, and I fo sho know all the notes in it. I knew all the notes in the first song, but there's like only a total of ten notes for us. And then for the third song, there was always that one line that I knew, but could never play on the field. And I tried playing loud so hard this year, blowing my ass off, but still... I could never hear myself, because the trumpets were always so freaking loud. Although only three trumpets play that part in the second song at all. But they're all beside me. And then Nivardo once asked me if I even played at all, but I do! And I tried so hard to play loud this year, but it just didn't happen.

--- I feel like I've kind of been apart of three different groups in marching band this year. They're all the same, and they overlap, but at the same time they feel different. They're was the foursome group, with AJ, Brandi, Nivardo, and Jordan, but I a lot of times I felt like I didn't belong there and that made sense. There was the Brian and Ryan group, the short amount of time where we rode around and did a lot of stuff together. Then there were the people who I hung out with on the bus, which was really Liane, Jon, Tommy, and sometimes Michael.

--- There was the time I was attracted to two different people in the band this year, but I'm not attracted to one of them anymore because he's just too immature, and the second one... I'm still really attracted to him, but it's impossible... and it seems so difficult sometimes to just lead a normal conversation.

--- There were multiple times this year where I felt like I'd lost my best friend, and that she was not longer my best friend but just a regular normal friend. But I don't really need another normal friend, I need my one best friend. I don't care that she has other best friends, because that's normal, but I still need her to be my best friend when I need her. And that's when I realized that maybe I need another best friend. But just because I want another best friend, does not mean that anyone wants to be my best friend.

--- This year I've ranted to Sam a lot about the guy I like, to get advice, but he gives really bad advices, but he's a cool person to rant to. Yesterday he told me to cut my losses, but when I pressed the issue, the answer was awkward and weird and I'm still confused. I kind of want to ask Brandi or Jennifer what it means...

--- I think I almost have a number 7. And at times I almost think I do. But when I do I kind of hope that I don't, because number 7 would be just like the number 6, and 2 before it.

ADESBA?

When has day come knowing that night will never fall?
When has the bud blossomed without the tears of the rain or the light of the sun?
When has she slept knowing that she will never awaken?

OK... so I'm pretty sure that I'm really attracted to him right now... but I still don't think I like him... but either way... it's pointless.

And I'm really pissed off that we didn't make states, because I REALLY wanted to. It was going to be our last year with the seniors. Tears.

There are three things I can definitely say I realized this weekend alone:
3). Dung, thi minh cung hoi tich Em B, va ngay hom qua at Beach Band Blast, thi Em B cai di vong vong vua Em M, ma cua dem Em B lai noi voi minh hong co sau het. Ma cui cong, do nay, thi thu minh cung cong co cam dac di nhieu het. Cung cong co tich ai nhieu het.
2). Dem hom qua, chuoc khi minh ve, thi co di vong vong voi Anh M, de dong dep. Thi dung, dem hom qua thi minh cung thit Anh M, nhieu hong, ma, nhi lai, to co sau dao? Anh M cua cung cung cong nguoi bang gai roi. Cho nen bay do, ming cung cong co cam dac di nhieu het.
1). Nam nay, thang nay, ngay nay, do nay, dung, moi la do ma em cong tich Anh A nua. Tai cui cung, em da nhin tay va hui biec cay long yeu Anh A co cho Chi M. Cua cung em da hieu biec roi. Va neu Em D, da cong co noi cho minh biec, thi dung, chac do nay, minh cung cong tich Anh A, va cong co hieu biec rang do nau minh tac su cang nhung.

Dem hom nay, minh hieu biec rang co ba anh. Ma cua cung, ba anh, thi tu em, cung cong thit anh nao. Anh A, la dem hom nay, la dem cua cung roi. Thi do nay cho len, thi em so cong cong thit anh nua. Cong Em B va Anh M, thi em thiet cong biet. Dung, thit mot thi thi co thi. Ma thac su yeu tuong thi chua co. Va cua cung, chac minh cung phai leo loi mot minh lang nua. Hong bao do duoc ai tung het.

Ma thac su, thi mot ngay, cung se co mot nguoi tuong minh.

Di Viet,

Christina Lan Anh Thi Ta

The whole point of the message???? Just wondering if there's still someone.

I cried waking up this morning because of some dream I had. Or maybe it was a while after I woke up. I just knew I was sad. I was afraid, everything was over...

This morning turned out to be pretty cool though. I really wanted to go into the chorus room,but I was too afraid to, because I felt like I might not belong there, but I at the same time, I feel like I'm at the wrong place, when I'm not in the drama room, the chorus room, or the auditorium now. I went inside during break though, and turned out to be pretty cool. I hugged Mama Beaudry REAL hard! And Jonquil got Jamie to flip a coin to decide when to come to my house. So she'll come next weekend, and I'm going to buy a bunch of musical DVDs just for her, so that we can watch them. It's going to be a movie night! I want Calli or Audrey to come too! I'm going to buy a Madrigal DVD tomorrow, and I'll start lessons w/ Beaudry in 3 weeks! Yeah! And I talked to Shana today! My mom loved Megan and her butt the best in the entire show. lol. I miss Katie! I couldn't find her all day. :-(

I got home today, and guess who called me. Scott. My Creative Writing teacher from Governor's school. SCOTT GOULD!! I NEVER expected the man to call me. Or anyone. idk. Man, he made me feel so bad. Scott, when he talks it never sounds like he cares, and I don't know, I've never heard him sound like he cared or so disappointed before. He was like "Hey, I got your letter today, and it said you're not coming, and I just want to know why." And I don't know, I was just giving him some bullshit answer about how my parents don't want me to. And... he told me "You seem really talented, and I had been looking forward to working with you," and OMG! That's a HUGE compliment coming from Scott Gould! You don't even understand! It made me feel so honored... but at the same time... so horrible that I was rejecting his offer...

Goodbye... and farewell... my four day love.

I’m SOOO sad! The play is over! And so is the cast party! I didn’t realize until now, but I actually hadn’t liked having to stay at school all day till ten everynight, till about four days ago. I’m SO sad it’s over now. I REALLY do not want to lose touch with those people.

I really want to have my movie night with Jonquil next weekend, and maybe with somebody else there too. I don’t know who yet. maybe Calli or Audrey.

>_< I wish I had more time to get to know him. But I guess I never will be able too now. *tears*

Dear the person I'm trying to tell this to, but will never hear it:

You're my (I want to say it, but then if I use that word, than EVERYone will know who I'm talking about. I just need somebody to know and listen). You're always there for me, and I'm grateful for that, but I really wish sometimes you would listen to what I have to say too. I know you always apologize for talking about yourself all the time, and seriously, I don't mind that you are, but, once in a while when I really want to say something about myself, please listen. You must know that you're the only person I tell these things to, and the reason I call you is because I seriously need to let it out. At first it started casually enough, but now, when I say something, I just wished you'd give me the chance to rant to my heart's content, like you do, just so that somebody is listening, and so that somebody understands me. We could switch back and forth like we used to. It hurts me when I have something so important to me at the moment, and you're the first and only person I call, only to have you brush my story aside with your words, so that you can talk about you and your bf again. I really don't mind listening to you, and you must know this, cause when you call me, I'll stay on the phone for hours with you, just to listen to what you have to say. I just need another Sala moment, which seems so far away now, when you listened to me rant about my childhood and how I was changed and traumatized. By you listening, you seriously helped me understand what was going on with myself too.

And you may not understand or believe this, but I feel so inferior to you. Completely, as a human being. People seem so attracted to you. You're beautiful. And I don't know what you do, but when you start talking to the same people I do, I'm scared that you're going to steal them away from my life, and that they may not be there anymore. I don't know what I'm doing that's wrong, but everything seems fine, and then you become friends with them too, and i feel like they don't want to be with me anymore. Or that they enjoy your company more, and suddenly they're better friends with you. And that makes me sad. I love having the same friends as you do, but I also realize that friends that we TRULY share, all like you more. And it scares and hurts me.

Also, I'm just so scared sometimes when I'm with you. Because I've had experience and it's happened so many times. I try to leave an impression on some guy, but you always leave the stronger one. You always beat me out, and I don't know what to do. I know, that if like before, we liked the same guy, they would always choose you, whether you're single or not, and that scares me. I just don't understand sometimes. I'm afraid you've left a stronger impression on him than I have now too. You spend more time with him. I don't think you guys really talk during the time you spend together though, I still think I've talked to him more than you have, and you're attracted to other guys. But still, I feel that if a part of you wanted to, and a part of you might, than you could capture his attention. And I don't know, because I know you're not single, but you've also admitted to being attracted to other guys, and I know you've lured their attention though you're not available. I don't know. I guess I'm being paranoid. After this is all over, perhaps neither of us will see them anymore. The people you attract and the people I'm attracted to. I'm just so tired.


Love,
The friend who wants to tell you these things in person, but can't, because she knows she probably sounds stupid.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant like that. I hope nobody knows who I'm talking about. I just need somebody to listen, or for me to feel like they've listened, even if they hadn't actually read the entry.

I'm sorry for being stupid, but I just feel so insecure sometimes when I'm with you.

I was soooo sad during the play today, I almost cried when we came out for the finale, but thankfully Davy kept trying to distract me. I'm just so upset, and I know I won't have time to be sad tomorrow, because we're all going to go to Jordan Kohanamoku's house afterwards to party. I don't want this play to end even though I'm dying of sleep deprivation. I REALLY love the people in the play and I REALLY don't want to lose touch with them. They're all so nice, and just thinking about how things are going to change makes me want to crawl into a ball and bawl my eyes out. I love them all so much. I'm really tempted to take Physics out of my schedule now to take Chorus or something like that, even if it will bring my GPA down. I mean, either way, Jennifer is going to beat me and take fourth in ranks. I just love them all so much, and I feel like I've struck a new kind of friendship, like when I first started marching band. Not like I'm dissing band at all, but I just feel so out of touch with it right now, and also with the people in it. I don't know what's going on anymore, or what to do. I REALLY want to have lessons with Beudry and pay for it myself if my parents won't pay for it. I can't wait to see everybody tomorrow, though I've just seen them two seconds ago. I wish I was going to Florida. And I wish Sam had asked me to go to Sonics w/ everyone earlier, before my dad and I were walking to the car, so that I could be there with them now, instead of at home, eating Ramen.

I like and am attracted to weird people. Why?!!!! (He reminds me of DB) Was that supposed to be Dragon Ball Z? *British accent* I don't think so. haha. lol. I've definitely got to stop talking in a British accent with Katie, because it's really affecting how I talk now, and I don't even realize it most of the time. And my British accent sounds horrible. lol. Melissa hates it. haha ^_^

Christina Ta is kind of sending a mental message to Katie Turek, cause she just thought things over, and seems to have realized that she's painted a bit of a negative picture of her parents, and especially her mom to Katie.

Christina Ta is thinking that her mom isn't actually that bad, even though her actions and her words may seem harsh to some. Like when she tells her daughter that she'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with her, or when she and her husband threatens and pressures their daughter to choose pharmacy as an occupation. However, Christina Ta realizes that she only does and says these things because she believes it will make her daughter happy and content in the future. To her the ends justifies the beans, I mean, means. Christina Ta cannot believe she actually typed beans, and almost did it again the second time. Christina Ta would like to give her thanks to the witch in the Into the Woods cast, and hopes to correct her image of her mother for Katie, or at least to let Katie see her mother's point of view, and why her mother would believe that.

Christina Ta has found that she's not actually apathetic, but maybe just towards some people. She's also found herself slightly attracted to somebody today. Somebody weird... and just... yes... weird describes it... and has just decided to stay apathetic for now... though for once in her life, she'd like to be able to talk talk to the one guy she's randomly interested in and not be annoying to him... or scaring him... or just joking about random sex with him... lol.
But then and again... with Christina Ta... any guy she likes would be scared of her... like every other girl is scared when they hear Chris Straus likes them... yes... that's Christina Ta's inevitable fate.

Christina Ta is finding that she's talking and saying a lot of things she wouldn't normally say when she's not half asleep. And... she's just deathly tired and finds it much easier to talk about herself when she speaks in 3rd person.

WHY do I COMPLETELY fail at Are you Nervous?

I really love you Tina and I hope you're alright. You're my Iranian sister. I would and want to pray for you, but I haven't reached that point in my faith yet where I can just do that. I'm sorry. But I'll just hope that you're okay.

I think... I'm just confused... ha ha. so weird. This is the first time I don't know... what I think? And for some reason, it REALLY is freaking hilarious. And I just seriously can't stop laughing. rofl.

Ve Anh B va Anh D.

Today, I feel tired, and broken. I just want to fly, fly really really high and never come back down.

I felt so sick today. There's just been those moments where I feel like I want to throw up.

I feel tired... and out of touch... with everything... and everybody.

I went into the band room today, and it felt weird, like I don't belong there. I talked to my friends today... but it felt weird... like I was out of touch... I was there today... but it felt weird... like everybody was just a mannequin, and they were all moving the way they were, because it was the same thing they did day after day, and they don't know how to change.

The reason I feel so out of touch with band, is probably my fault, actually I know it is.

Persistence isn't the answer... now I know that, but the right answer... I still don't know. But I'm still working to know how to do this right. But I don't want to end up like Co Van, Chi Chau, Co Anh, Co Duyen... the list goes on, and I might end up on the list. I just need... right now... to belong...

I feel broken, right now, but stronger. I not falling, slipping, or sliding right now... Not physically. Emotionally. I'm stronger. I can still keep the pieces of myself together. It's hanging, on globs of messy, watery glue, but it's still together. It's still painfully pieced together. I know I'm stronger, but I don't know if that's a good thing, because the stronger I get, the more I can keep things inside, and the more I may distance myself from everybody else.

It's not them that distancing me, it is I who distances myself from them. I've always known that, and usually never claim otherwise.

My hand over my heart, my fingers tracing the lines over my forehead, I want to know the answer, but I know I must search it. I don't know what everybody is doing right, but I am doing wrong.

I don't want to move like a mannequin anymore, and I'm tired of living in that puppet playhouse environment. I want to move on, by myself, but I don't know how. I don't want to do something, just because I've done it everyday of my life. I want to be a bit more spontaneous. To live a bit more. And... I want the people who know what I'm talking about... to do the same...

By throat is constricting... it's suffocating... my head is spinning... reeling like an axis... my heart is stopping... but my eyes stay dry... because... in truth... I'm just a mannequin, even now.

I'm confused, because right now, I really don't know, what I'm thinking. Anh B va Anh D, tai sao minh cai keo hai nguoi chung voi nhao, dong nhu ho la moc nguoi chu? Tac su, bay do, la minh tich ai? But does it matter? Since... ca hai nguoi, dieu cong co tich minh?

That was actually a really long message. Maybe I should have cut it down a bit. X(